title: 360 degrees of gay (1/1)
summary: nate and lee search for the answer to a very important question. written for blondie for the 2012 gravityfamily secret santa!
warnings: this is possibly the most shameful thing i’ve ever written. i’m so sorry, blondie.
pairing: nate/lee, implied various teens/teens.
——
Nate and Lee got to the point where they were both shirtless, pants unbuttoned and hair mussed, before Lee paused and said, “Wait, dude, do you have any idea how to have sex?”
Frowning, Nate untangled his hand from Lee’s hair. “I thought you did.”
They stared at each other for a long moment.
“Well, shit.”
——
“So basically neither of us knows how to have sex,” Nate explained to Robbie fifteen minutes later. Next to him, Lee sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, shirt clutched in his other hand. They hadn’t even bothered to get dressed properly before making the trek from their tree fort to Robbie’s house — Nate’s shirt was on backwards, and Lee had Nate’s hat on.
Robbie blinked slowly, rubbing his eye. “…It’s four in the morning. Why are you here?”
“We just told you, dude! Come on, help us out! Let us use your laptop or something!”
“No,” Robbie said, inching his door closed. “No, no, no, no… No… No.”
The door shut with a soft click.
“Well, that didn’t work.”
They sighed in unison.
“Who else can we ask?” Lee said.
“Oh! I know just the person! Come on!” Grabbing Lee’s hand, Nate took off in a sprint.
——
“Wendy, you gotta help us!” Nate whined. “Come on, man, I’m dying over here!”
More awake than Robbie had been, and willing to let them step into her house to get out of the cold, Wendy eyed the two of them curiously. “You guys really don’t know? Seriously?”
Nate started to say something when a voice echoed out from the inside of the house.
“Wendy? Where’d you go? I think you took my underwear, the ones in here don’t fit.”
“Wait, aren’t you home alone this weekend?” Lee asked.
“Is that Tambry?” Nate asked at the exact same time.
“Okay, you guys need to leave, pronto,” Wendy instructed, shoving them out of her front hallway faster than they could blink. She pushed them outside, dropped small foil-wrapped squares into their hands, and slammed the door.
A little stunned, Lee glanced back at the smooth mahogany.
“What the hell just happened?”
“I have no idea, man. What are these?” Nate flicked at the wrapper.
“Candy, maybe?”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Maybe Thompson knows.”
——
“How do you not know what sex is?” Thompson cried, his eyes huge.
“Dunno.” Lee shrugged.
“Never looked it up, I guess,” Nate said.
“I can’t believe this,” he said. “I just — are you guys for real?”
“We kinda have an idea. I mean, you get naked or something, right?” Nate looked at Lee for confirmation.
“Yeah! You lie down and kiss and then like, a black curtain falls. And then it goes away and your clothes are mysteriously everywhere. Ghosts do it. Or maybe fairies. That’s sex, right?”
——
“I can’t believe Thompson kicked us out,” Lee said glumly, slumping down on the bus bench.
“I know!”
The two of them sat there, still obviously disheveled and starting to get a little cold, and Lee propped his head up on Nate’s shoulder. They both sighed, breath fogging up in the cold morning air.
“I don’t get what we’re doing wrong. Are we supposed to just know?”
“…We can go ask Robbie again.”
——
“Why are you here,” Robbie groaned as soon as he opened the door. “Guys, come on.”
“We asked Wendy and Thompson and they wouldn’t tell us! They kicked us out too!” Lee put a hand out, resting it on the door, and leaned in to stare pleadingly at Robbie. “Please, dude?”
Crinkling his nose, Robbie shifted back. “Your breath smells like ham.”
“That was me, I had ham for dinner,” Nate said immediately.
“It tasted good,” Lee said.
“You should come over for dinner tomorrow, Dad bought some extra.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, he’d love to see you.”
“Enough!” Robbie said, hands balled up into fists. “You wanna know what sex is? Fine! I’ll tell you!”
“That’d be really cool, man.”
“Sex is — You stick your dick in his ass and move it in and out until you both come,” Robbie shouted, face red with exasperation and embarrassment. “There! That’s sex! Go home already, you jackasses!”
He pushed Lee away, blushing to the tips of his ears, and locked them out with a huff. A few seconds later, Robbie’s mom stuck her head out.
“I heard the screaming,” she said, smiling sympathetically. “Why don’t you come in? I have pamphlets.”
“They don’t want to see your pamphlets, Mom!” Robbie yelled from the staircase.
“Go to bed, pumpkin, it’s late and you know you get cranky when you don’t sleep. I love you!” She turned and smiled at him, the picture of patience, and blew him a cheerful kiss.
“Ugh!” Nate and Lee watched as Robbie stormed up the stairs, glowering over his shoulder. “Fine! God! Whatever! I love you too!”
His mom watched him go before turning back to Nate and Lee.
“Come on in, boys. I was just making some cookies.”
“At five in the morning?”
She guffawed. “You never know when you might have guests!”
——
“So that’s sex,” Lee muttered, poring over the glossy brochure in his hands. “That’s it?”
“Oh, of course! It’s no big deal. But poor little Robbie won’t even touch those things, gets mad at me when I try to talk to him about being safe.”
Lee nodded, faking sympathy but really just trying not to laugh, while Nate stuffed more cookies in his mouth. “I don’t think you have to worry about that with him, Ms. Susan.”
“Oh, I know, but still. With Wendy coming over all the time, and that new boy who moved to town a little while ago —”
“Thompson?”
“Yes, Thompson! Such a nice boy, he seems very sweet. But a mother knows about these things.” She nodded wisely, leaning down to pick up her cat. “Isn’t that right, Santa Paws? Doesn’t Mommy know these things? That’s why we don’t let our baby have sleepovers, isn’t it?”
The cat meowed.
“I don’t have sleepovers because you talk to our cats,” Robbie said. When they’d been absorbed in the pamphlets, he’d staggered back downstairs, one sock missing and hoodie unzipped.
Lee glanced at him. “Dude, do you sleep in that thing?”
“Shut up. Why are you in my house?”
“Talking to your mom about sex!”
“I hate you so much,” Robbie muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose. “At least you know what it is now, right?”
Nate and Lee looked at each other.
“It looks kind of boring,” they chorused.
“Do you have Halo 4?” Nate asked.
“Since we’re here, you know,” Lee said.
There was a long pause before Robbie sighed and slumped.
“I’m not going to get you to go away, am I?”
“Nope!”
“We’re like a virus!”
“Or a,” Nate glanced at the pamphlet. “V…eneral disease.”
——
“You sure you don’t want to play, Robbie?” Nate was curled up against Lee’s side, and he leaned over to offer the controller to Robbie, who was falling asleep on Lee’s other shoulder.
“Stop asking,” he said, more a murmur than anything, and furrowed his brow. “I’ll mess you up… Jerks…”
“I think that’s a no,” Lee stage-whispered, breaking off into a yell to declare, “Boom! Headshot!”
Nate grinned, tilting Lee’s head down to kiss him and holding the kiss for several seconds. When they finally broke apart, their faces were faintly red, and they smiled at each other.
“Love you.”
“You too, you huge goober.”
